29th August 2018 – 12.32am

Dear Diary – 

Today, like most days I will write to you & not only spill my thoughts out on the page but it will also make me feel like I’ve had a little actual adult conversation today. Even if it’s wirh myself.

Have you ever been speaking to someone before, family, friends, co-workers, complete strangers & you’ve tried to avoid this part of the conversation coming up in every possible way you could think of? The part where you have to say “yes I am a single mother”, “yes, me and the father aren’t together anymore and I am doing most of this on my own now”? And just as you say it you can automatically see the thoughts running through that persons mind. You can almost hear their thoughts and 9/10 see them beginning to look down their noses at you. Why is this such a common occurrence? Personally I would love to know!

 

Being a ‘single parent’ was never something I wished for. Not only for me but also for my son

My sweet boy came into my life and made my whole existance seem right, finally. He made me a better person and he made the happiest person alive and I know his daddy felt the same.

Unforcantly hard times came and people change and the life I expected for myself and was so proud to have fell apart right before my eyes. The life I wished for my son, the family I had wished for my son fell apart and i’d never felt pain quite like it.

I battled through pain that I thought i would never come out of, mentally and physically. I moved into somewhere that terrified me. All with a 14 week old child.

I would go about my day visiting baby groups, seeing whoever and doing whatever I could possible just to keep my mind busy, I’d do whatever I could during the day so my son was happy and enjoying himself, then I would make my way back to this ‘home’ for the night, lock us in, put my son into bed with me cause I was too scared to not have him next to me and once I had stopped, once I had that time to sit down for two seconds I would find myself screaming into my pillow through the floods of tears. My son got me through everything.

Now tell me being a ‘single mum’ is something to be ashamed of? Don’t get me wrong still to this day I have to remind myself to not be ashamed to be a single mum cause realistically we are incredibly strong women. Any mother in generally are strong woman. Parenting is hard enough with a partner or with help around, but to be a good mother whilst my heart was breaking was THE hardest role I’ve ever had to play.

When my child’s dad and I we’re together I was guilty of stereotyping a single mum. I fully applauded them for everything they did, I knew it must be hard but i know part of me thought the same that others did and I never fully understood it untill it happened to me.

The reality of it all really is that not having that someone there to help out with your child, not having that someone there to share your child’s first word, their first steps, all the special moments with and trips out, holidays, the fun stuff. Not to mention not having the help on the bad days, through the tantrums, the night feeds and the long long days when their sick and even your sick. I’m guilty of locking myself in the bathroom whilst I cry my eyes out just for a 2 minutes break, to compose myself to then start again. I’m sure most of us mums are guilty of this.

My baby boy is my life, he is my whole heart and if any good has come out of the bad is that I do everything within my power to give my son the best life he possible could and I will never stop trying, and I’ve done it on my own. And I know one day the loneliness will pass and the pain will fade away – but untill then I will babble on through you my diary in whatever silly way I need to get me through.

Sweet dreams ❤️